There’s Nothing Wrong With Giving Up
A brief update from the future
I can’t help but feel like I couldn’t hack it.
It’s not the reason I retried Guy New York, but it’s the one my mind wants to focus on. If I was more financially successful then maybe I’d have the energy and the will to keep going. That’s the story I hear on repeat if I don’t remind myself that I don’t have to go there.
There’s a long string of things I might have done (in this big silly head of mine) that would have made things better. I could have pitched more stories and essays. I could have worked harder to start teaching workshops on writing erotica, and if I had stuck with it, I might have broken through on something like Medium and started earning serous money.
And yet none of that would have changed the reality that I wasn’t happy.
Years ago, in a previous relationship, I dealt with a similar thing. I was depressed and down and nothing felt good or right with me or with us. I had a thousand reasons to explain why I was broken, and I listed them again and again. At least to myself (and let’s face it, probably my therapist too).
And then I had the simple epiphany that is still often so elusive. I wasn’t depressed. Not especially.
But I was deeply and profoundly unhappy.
In some ways this shift is a whole lot easier.
For one there was no furniture to divide. And secondly, it’s been far easier to look back at this whole Guy New York thing and feel proud of what I did even if it’s no longer what I need moving forward. I might learn something from that when I think back on that relationship but that’s neither here nor there.
If I have a point (I suppose I should have one, shouldn’t I?) it’s that unhappiness is a damn great reason for giving up. It’s often a sign that something is wrong, isn’t working, and is no longer satisfying. And while it’s easy to get caught up in the sunken cost fallacy (since we’ve come this far we might as well keep going) we know from the phrase that it is, in fact, a fallacy.
The truth is simpler. We’ve come this far. And what a journey it’s been! But we’re no longer heading in the same direction, so moving forward and keep on keeping on ain’t what we need to do.
I haven’t magically discovered “what’s next” during the past three weeks. And if I’m being honest, I didn’t expect to. But I have gone through a thousand scenarios in my head and I’ve let myself be pulled along by curiosity rather than fear. When you don’t know what you want, curiosity is a great place to begin. And on a good day, I can follow it and let myself imagine being somewhere new doing something new without the anxiety that comes from trying to figure out how to get there.
Whether or not I’ve given up or moved on isn’t all that important any more. A big part of my life has ended and now it’s time for a new installment.
And if I have to keep reminding myself that there’s nothing wrong with giving up in order to be okay with where I am now, then that’s okay too. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years or meditation and mindfulness practice, it’s that I have very little control over the thoughts that pop into my head. But if I pay close enough attention, I can respond to them with compassion and a strongly worded thanks but no thanks.
In the meantime, I have a hammock and the weather is getting nice. And that’s a great place to be begin.
I hope you’re all doing well and also finding some peace amid the frantic pace of life.
- Ben
Fuck YES to all of this!! Abso-freaking-lutely. I love the leading with curiosity bit that you're practicing right now, and I *love* that you're choosing to share about it. I feel like as a society we don't share a lot of stories about transitions -- we tend to tell about endings, and beginnings, but not the muck that exists on either side of them. And I think that does us a major disservice, because the stories we tell become the little lights along our path through the dark. Without stories to guide us (either as cautionary tales or aspirational examples), it's easier to lose our way. Thank you for being willing to not know where you're going and still talk about it anyway -- the lights you're leaving help make the unknown that much less imposing. 🤗
“ I wasn’t depressed. Not especially.
But I was deeply and profoundly unhappy.”
I had that epiphany a little while ago and, while I’ve not made any major changes to my life yet, just the knowledge of that distinction is making me look at life and make decisions through a very different lens.
Good luck with what comes next.